puberty

I just hope the Weird Sisters do covers and know some Boyz II Men

Posted on by Harry Potter Virgin

Had I read the Harry Potter Series when it was initially published, I would have suspended my belief for its magical elements more readily than I would have for it’s lack of a different kind of magic altogether.

Why do these adolescent characters seem so devoid of sexual thoughts or romantic attractions for the first 1000 pages of the series? Sure, Ginny “is fond of” Harry, and Percy used to rendezvous with his girlfriend in this or that empty classroom for the lightest of petting. Even Harry himself has occasionally acknowledged that Cho is pretty. But these explorations are all rather peripheral. The students seem largely asleep to one another.

Contrasting that to my own experience, when I was 11 (the age that we are introduced to Harry) I had an all-consuming crush on a classmate. A crush that had been completely ruining me and my academic concentration since 4th grade. It was relentless and painful and made only bearable by several smaller diversionary crushes.

And like many kids that age, I was also totally anxious about what was going on with my body. But, puberty goes totally unaddressed in Harry Potter. Which I guess makes sense when you’re constantly subject to being turned into a ferret or developing fangs at the drop of a spell. A slowly changing body in a totally expected way would be a rather humdrum phenomenon under such circumstances.

So, okay, maybe I was a girl with a lot of time on my hands and these are books about a boy preoccupied by the fact that everyone is constantly trying to murder him. Fair enough. Dating may rightfully not be a top priority for our hero.

But, for better or for worse, the latency period seems to be collectively over for the students of Hogwarts. The entire school seems to be under some kind of spell, as it’s suddenly turned as sexy as Rydell or Ridgemont High. Fred is all Mr. Suave, asking Angelina out from across the room like he does this kind of thing every day of the week. Umpteen girls throw themselves at Harry. Ron suddenly sees Hermione with a fresh pair of eyes. But no magic was performed for this wild transformation.

All these kids needed was a school dance.

In which I use “wand” as an anatomical metaphor, yep

Posted on by Harry Potter Virgin

Look. I am trying to maintain the utmost respect for our protagonist. After all, he is a veritable hero with many honorable qualities. But he does makes it rather difficult for me, when at one moment, he knowingly sets his Omnioculars to slow-motion mode to spectate the Quidditch World Cup, and then mere moments later, is completely dumbfounded by the fact that a particular team has just scored a point.

Hermione again is forced to explain the basic properties of time to Harry Potter, who for his part, doesn’t even outwardly acknowledge her. This dude should really be thanking his pal for not, in a moment of exasperation, just finishing Voldemort’s job for him by proxy. Or, for not rightfully insisting that this book be called “Hermione Granger and the Polite Explaining of Pertinent Shit to Ungrateful Men.”

But, to be fair to Harry, perhaps his slight bewilderment in this particular case is borne of the fact that not only was he starved all summer long on a meager diet of grapefruit quarters and decaying birthday cake, but he also just went through his entire sexual awakening process in the space of one paragraph, when he first encounters the veela, Bulgaria’s siren-like Quidditch cheerleaders:

“The veela had started to dance, and Harry’s mind had gone completely and blissfully blank. All that mattered in the world was that he kept watching the veela, because if they stopped dancing, terrible things would happen..”

“Terrible things?” All right now, lower that wand champ. I know a diary almost once did you in completely, but maybe it’s time for you to save the drama for one of those bad boys.