The vainglorious, publicity-seeking, tooth-flashery of Gilderoy Lockhart has tickled my funny bone in a way that no Harry Potter material has as of yet.

I view this as an almost flawless comic addition to the series. I say almost, because it is super annoying that Lockhart is so evidently insufferable and a shyster to boot, yet nearly all the women and girls in the book are totally fawning over him.

Look, I’ve had some pretty terrible boyfriends who have charmed me with decent bone structure alone — even without the benefit of prolific authorship or wizardry credentials — but I’m not proud of that. Can’t we set a better example for our girls? Maybe give them some enlightened female characters as role models who see through the ruse and just say “No!” to the megalomania?

Oh wait! There is one woman so far who is totally not into this guy. Professor Sprout, the Head of Herbology at Hogwarts, described tenderly by her female author as “a squat little witch who wore a patched hat over her flyaway hair, and who is usually bearing “a large amount of earth on her clothes and fingernails.”

Well girl readers, there is your valuable lesson right there. You can have a cool, keen perception regarding men who will never love you as much as they love themselves, but that talent simply cannot coexist with being vaguely presentable or recently showered.

Maybe I haven’t read far enough yet and am judging the whole scenario too quickly. I will return to you with more on this subject, don’t you dare worry.

Who’s super frustrated with Harry Potter at the start of Chamber of Secrets? Last time we saw the guy, he was disobeying the rules of powerful wizards, outwitting evil forces after bedtime and generally being a badass kid.

You’d think these experiences would change a person. Nope. Harry’s back home for the summer with an odious aunt, uncle and cousin that would just be a horribly blah bourgeoisie trio if not for the child abuse factor. Plus, these people aren’t very smart. Let’s get real. Harry could outwit them using regular human logic if he was so inclined. What exactly is he thinking here? Sure, he isn’t allowed to use magic while he’s home for the summer, but it’s like he’s not even being a normal human person with a basic self-preservation instinct.

And that’s another thing. The bureaucratic structures keeping this magical universe in check are a real bummer. The Improper Use of Magic Office and the Ministry of Magic at-large can suck a dragon egg. I don’t read books to recreate the experience of paying a parking ticket or being on hold with my insurance agency. Let these characters do their thing since I don’t have that luxury.

Speaking of why one reads. Here is one reason below. The notations of fellow library readers can be truly rewarding literary nuggets in and of themselves. And if you’re wondering, I am that weird kind of nerd that’s cool with this particular defacing of a library book in theory, but very irritated by the fact that it has created an instance of subject-verb disagreement.

I have finished the Sorcerer’s Stone and to a certain degree, given in to the human temptation to find its just-and-tidy, big-happy conclusion immensely satisfying. But I was also bothered by it.

Look, I am no “show — don’t tell purist.” But, come on lady. A lighter hand may have done your vast readership a bit of good for the soul and mind.

After enduring a lengthy speech by our protagonist’s true-foil-all-along, in which every malicious move and intention is thoroughly revealed, our Harry loses consciousness. When he comes to, he just so happens to be in the company of an omniscient ally, who — even though he is a super busy top wizard guy with business elsewhere — somehow has plenty of time to hang out and fill us all in on Harry Potter’s entire mysterious back story, including its emotional nuances and intergenerational rivalries, as well as all the complicated supernatural mechanics of the showdown of the previous scene.

Quit being so extra J.K. Rowling!

Are readers wanting more of their literature (also known as less) to be appeased solely by the inclusion of a warning that Harry’s troubles are not over? I guess so. You don’t sell over 11 million copies of one single book giving people what they don’t want.

Anywho, see you tomorrow folks, where we begin book 2.

Actually firmer glutes has nothing to do with today’s blog post! Sorry for the clickbait, but it’s Christmas eve, which is not exactly an ideal time for internet traffic. I’m doing what I can here people.

Now onto the regularly scheduled program. I’ve got to say that the incessant irrational distrust of the students and the arbitrary punitive measures taken against them are starting to get to me. I am an adult now! Having absolutely no agency is for kids!

My entire childhood and adolescence was spent in dread of getting in trouble. Subsequently I never did anything bad. It didn’t make a difference. I was always in trouble anyway.

My mom is reading my blog so I am sure that I will get 5 points taken off my house (the unsung Ravenclaw, for the record) for even writing these words. (Hi Mom!)

In any case, I had my first Harry Potter anxiety dream last night. Harry wasn’t there and I wasn’t at Hogwarts, but the general mood of the person scolding me publicly when I had done nothing wrong felt very haughty and McGonagall-esque.

This won’t be my last Harry Potter-inspired nightmare. I suspect this is going to be a long journey that dredges up many unresolved childhood feelings.

Merry Christmas to all! And for those looking for fitness tips, I hope all your better booty goals are met or surpassed in 2018!

When Harry Potter encounters a magical mirror that shows those who look into it the “deepest, most desperate desires of their hearts,” he sees himself surrounded by his departed family who he never had the chance to meet. His friend Ron, who Harry brings to the mirror the following night, sees a more highly accomplished and validated version of himself.

This is a dangerous mirror, Harry is told by the Headmaster on his third visit, because it drives many men mad wondering if what it shows is real or even possible, and they waste away in front of it, entranced.

Well folks, I am sad to say that although I have a standard mirror bought at a bargain shop for 10 dollars, it functions in very much the same way as the Mirror of Erised. Only what I see in my mirror and long for each morning–making myself late for work sometimes–is just a hotter version of myself. This was true of me in 1998 when this book was first published and it has been true every year since.

Yep. Nothing like a children’s book to make evident the fact that you are still very much a child yourself.

In any case, when not in front of the mirror falling in love with a fantastical conception of myself, I am often found reading. So, despite Harry’s ulterior motives, I was touched that his first cloak of invisibility move was to go directly to the library.

So a few years ago, I went to a Renaissance Faire in Ft. Tyron Park in Upper Manhattan with a couple pals. In addition to seeing The Cloisters — finally — and taking over for my very slight friend after she attempted a giant turkey leg and got almost nowhere with it, I spectated what was supposedly a Quidditch match.

First of all, the inclusion of a Quidditch match on the Ren Faire program makes no historical sense. Harry Potter takes place in contemporary times — and some might argue doesn’t take place at all, as it is a fantasy series. But, I guess the organizers just figured, hey, this event is already an anachronistic nightmare, let’s just pencil in a fake magic sport for good measure — right between jousting and archery.

Having been quite allergic to absorbing all things Harry Potter at that time, plus not being much of a sports fan in general, I used it as an opportunity to rest my feet and basically ignore what was going on.

On the one hand that was a fine decision since no one was flying, which  I now understand is kind of the point of Quidditch. On the other hand, I am now having trouble following the passages relating the action on the field (I know the field is actually called a “pitch” but I refuse to give in to this level of nerdery at this time, thank you very much.) Ugh. I am already dreading these matches in movie format!

All right now, I can see upon Googling the matter, that they’ve turned Quidditch into a game you can play on the ground. On the ground or in the air, I hope that the league’s safety committee does not share the same lobbyists, lawyers and consultants as the NFL and Big Tobacco.